Monday, December 31, 2012
Up The Rabbit Hole
If you're reading this, there's a 50% chance that it is already 2013 where you are now so I wish you a very, very happy new year. If it's not, it still probably already is because I almost never get instant readers with every posts so, to you, happy 2013 and may you be closer to your dreams with every passing day.
I used to and still would always like to think that I'm special--which I (not so humbly going to say) am--and someone will notice it, eventually. Perhaps when I'm standing in the crowd, maybe when I'm in the bus, somewhere. But it never happens. I'm just always another faltering image in their lives and I can honestly say the exact same thing about them. The strangers. I don't know if it's a good thing to feel so numb and indifferent about this feeling - the feeling of being in love. Sometimes I get so scared that I might never find another one like that.
I'm going to be honest and say that all I have ever longed for is someone who will be there; no words, no obligations, no pressure, and that someone will listen. Just, simply, listen. I promise to do the same and treat everyone around me, though with cynicism most of the time, I promise to not behave like an untamed pup. Growth and time is supposed to nurture you, not turn you into an insensitive idiot. I want my friends back. I don't want girls who party half their lives away, wear tank tops that could barely fit, and filled with hateful racism.
My friend. She was my first secondary school friend. She told me to kill myself (jokingly) today. It's not funny and will never be. I don't understand how everyone could laugh along and pretend it's no big deal when it had hit every nerve in me. Though, I wish I had the conciousness to not fake the laugh. I laughed. I hate the change I'm seeing in the friends I have made; I absolutely detest going out with them now and trying to convince myself that they will be different each time around. I want to go back when it wasn't about the clubs you go to, the alcohol you've consumed, the clothes you wear or the people you're dating.
I thought these things only happen in movies but it's now happened to me.
The uncertainty of the road ahead of me will always be consumed by the glittery mist but there's one thing I can be certain of: I will never change. I will continue to stand my ground and defend all of the everything I believe in.
It's either you change or we call it quits. I deserve better company. But, according to the circumstances now, I'll probably never find any. I still have myself, though.
Have a happy new year everybody. And that's me, wishing you the best for the last time.
..because, well, I've done it thrice in a single text post already. I'm sure it's enough. Good night.
I used to and still would always like to think that I'm special--which I (not so humbly going to say) am--and someone will notice it, eventually. Perhaps when I'm standing in the crowd, maybe when I'm in the bus, somewhere. But it never happens. I'm just always another faltering image in their lives and I can honestly say the exact same thing about them. The strangers. I don't know if it's a good thing to feel so numb and indifferent about this feeling - the feeling of being in love. Sometimes I get so scared that I might never find another one like that.
I'm going to be honest and say that all I have ever longed for is someone who will be there; no words, no obligations, no pressure, and that someone will listen. Just, simply, listen. I promise to do the same and treat everyone around me, though with cynicism most of the time, I promise to not behave like an untamed pup. Growth and time is supposed to nurture you, not turn you into an insensitive idiot. I want my friends back. I don't want girls who party half their lives away, wear tank tops that could barely fit, and filled with hateful racism.
My friend. She was my first secondary school friend. She told me to kill myself (jokingly) today. It's not funny and will never be. I don't understand how everyone could laugh along and pretend it's no big deal when it had hit every nerve in me. Though, I wish I had the conciousness to not fake the laugh. I laughed. I hate the change I'm seeing in the friends I have made; I absolutely detest going out with them now and trying to convince myself that they will be different each time around. I want to go back when it wasn't about the clubs you go to, the alcohol you've consumed, the clothes you wear or the people you're dating.
I thought these things only happen in movies but it's now happened to me.
The uncertainty of the road ahead of me will always be consumed by the glittery mist but there's one thing I can be certain of: I will never change. I will continue to stand my ground and defend all of the everything I believe in.
It's either you change or we call it quits. I deserve better company. But, according to the circumstances now, I'll probably never find any. I still have myself, though.
Have a happy new year everybody. And that's me, wishing you the best for the last time.
..because, well, I've done it thrice in a single text post already. I'm sure it's enough. Good night.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
The Horror
It's absolutely terrifying how easily and quickly depression gets to you. Especially when it's no longer a stranger of you and to you. All it takes is a dark room at night. I really didn't think much because I thought I'm already out of this dump of mess I had fell into. It felt like hell because I had a reason to feel that way and I could. I just couldn't now because I'm not supposed to.
Help.
Help.
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