This way, to reality.

Up The Rabbit Hole

If you're reading this, there's a 50% chance that it is already 2013 where you are now so I wish you a very, very happy new year. If it's not, it still probably already is because I almost never get instant readers with every posts so, to you, happy 2013 and may you be closer to your dreams with every passing day.

I used to and still would always like to think that I'm special--which I (not so humbly going to say) am--and someone will notice it, eventually. Perhaps when I'm standing in the crowd, maybe when I'm in the bus, somewhere. But it never happens. I'm just always another faltering image in their lives and I can honestly say the exact same thing about them.  The strangers. I don't know if it's a good thing to feel so numb and indifferent about this feeling - the feeling of being in love. Sometimes I get so scared that I might never find another one like that.
I'm going to be honest and say that all I have ever longed for is someone who will be there; no words, no obligations, no pressure, and that someone will listen. Just, simply, listen. I promise to do the same and treat everyone around me, though with cynicism most of the time, I promise to not behave like an untamed pup. Growth and time is supposed to nurture you, not turn you into an insensitive idiot. I want my friends back. I don't want girls who party half their lives away, wear tank tops that could barely fit, and filled with hateful racism.

My friend. She was my first secondary school friend. She told me to kill myself (jokingly) today. It's not funny and will never be. I don't understand how everyone could laugh along and pretend it's no big deal when it had hit every nerve in me. Though, I wish I had the conciousness to not fake the laugh. I laughed. I hate the change I'm seeing in the friends I have made; I absolutely detest going out with them now and trying to convince myself that they will be different each time around. I want to go back when it wasn't about the clubs you go to, the alcohol you've consumed, the clothes you wear or the people you're dating.

I thought these things only happen in movies but it's now happened to me.

The uncertainty of the road ahead of me will always be consumed by the glittery mist but there's one thing I can be certain of: I will never change. I will continue to stand my ground and defend all of the everything  I believe in.

It's either you change or we call it quits. I deserve better company. But, according to the circumstances now, I'll probably never find any. I still have myself, though.

Have a happy new year everybody. And that's me, wishing you the best for the last time.
..because, well, I've done it thrice in a single text post already. I'm sure it's enough. Good night.

The Horror

It's absolutely terrifying how easily and quickly depression gets to you. Especially when it's no longer a stranger of you and to you. All it takes is a dark room at night. I really didn't think much because I thought I'm already out of this dump of mess I had fell into. It felt like hell because I had a reason to feel that way and I could. I just couldn't now because I'm not supposed to.

Help.

The Present

Dear World, Count Me In

I've got all my logical senses down in the dumps. You know you've reached your worst when it just escalated in the opposite. Work and fun. Fun would've been a good escape and an easy choice there wouldn't it? I mean, come on, 'work' would never stand a chance against those demeaning three-letter word. Friends, talk, food, conversations. That sounds like the kind of fun people, in general, would opt for. (The easiest kind of fun too)

In that sequence, today, it happened. Work and fun. It's my birthday in exactly 40 minutes and my mates decided it would be a great decision (small pause here: I'm on my brother's computer and his friends are trying to call him through skype right now and I dare not reject so it's getting on my horns, pretty much)... now, where were we... oh, they decided it would be an excellent idea to surprise me at work while I was looking like complete wreck. Literally, I looked like the kind of person you would just go 'no' to. 

It wouldn't have been so bad had it not been for my awkward self rejecting any approach then. I'm not used to being in the light, alone. I wish everyone could understand.. well not everyone if I'm taking this too far but they were my friends. 

I don't need to be the prom queen, that one girl who kicks asses at every party and can handle her drinks. I just hope my birthday wouldn't be the stain on your white blouse or the bread crumbs in your purse. I really didn't need your judgements and criticism, especially not today. You, all of you, are racists, judgemental little pricks. The waitresses were black, big fucking whoop. The plate the waitress (who, not-so-coincidentally had busted her ass working half the day off before you came) was holding had accidentally brushed through your powdered face shouldn't be enough to trigger the anger you claimed to had come from your supposedly 'pms'. A 'thank you' is not that hard. A smile is not that hard. And this is coming from one of the least friendly people you might ever know.  Working your mouths off later on about how filthy the place was, being filled with black people is not making things any better my sweet little barbie-faced shitheads.

Social Networking Websites and Applications:

They were created for our convenience. End of story. It might seem like the coolest thing to do right now - to stand with a group of more than five, fish out your smart phone and tap away, 'updating' your life about how it is so exciting and thrilling. See the irony? YOU were with your friends, YOU were supposed to be having fun (which is also why YOU were UPDATING about how fun it is), BUT while you were tapping away at that dead-ass screen, seconds were slipping by and it's not much of a 'having fun' when you were simply staring at a pixelated screen, was it? Society is dead, its products are dead. Everyone's just another carbon copy of the other. 

It, too, is my birthday. Do you have any idea how sad it is to stare at a crowd of blank, unamused faces? Do you know how painful it was to hear you complain about everything when we were supposed to just.. laugh, maybe? Do you know how demotivating it is to look at your grim looks, instagram-ing and tweeting everything and there would literally be a stop in the minutes we spend together to feed your ego? On my birthday? I want my friends back. I want the live ones. The friends I used to know. But we all know it's going to get worse and this isn't even the beginning, yet.

Like I said, they were all created for your convenience and entertainment; it is not your life. It is not cool. I don't mean it in the 'I dont have it so i'm going to whine about it and use the world 'uncool' because i'm just another kid' kind of way. I meant exactly what I said. It is not cool. 

I really need an escape, to a place where society hasn't tainted. It's spreading like wildfire and I have to act fast. 

So, dear world, count me in.

I apologize for the long, very long text. I had to get it out there. 

My birthday present was a bottle that says: 'My degree of sarcasm depends on your degree of stupidity'

Because I was always an arrogant, sarcastic prick. So the bottle was the best they could gift a useless little bitch. 

..And then I found out from one of them that they got me a bottle because my old one was ugly. It was then that I kicked myself out from the delusion and convinced myself that I need new friends..

I was choking up waterless lumps in my chests on the way home earlier. I thought it would be a much happier birthday celebration.

Right now, as I'm ending this post, my phone is starting to bop with messages because it's 12AM. 

Well at least I can count on myself to cheer myself up, can't I? (:

*picture not mine*

Indecent Wretch

I don't even know what's wrong with me now, one second I'm fine and the next, right after a single momentarily short passing of minute and matters, everything goes up in flames as if I was never worth any of it.

It just happened. Literally eight minutes ago, I was sitting with my parents, having dinner, having mindless little discussions, petting my dog, and then my cup of hot chocolate just went flam and hit the ground before I could react. There it was, the drink all over me, sticky and moist and all the unpleasant sensation had hit me.
The solution was simple, right? You clean that shit up. NO, I chose to kick up a fuss. I knew what to do, I knew to clean it up, I knew to clean up my act but there was just something in me that had strike me harder than lightning on a rainy day - I felt as if it shouldn't have happened, the drink, it shouldn't have went tumbling onto the ground. I felt like I didn't deserve it. I refused to clean it up and had a minor squabble with my mother and she just went to bed with nothing but a gesture suggesting that it wasn't hers to give a second look on.

So I just came online. That puddle of mess is still outside (though I'm sure that little crap of a dog had already  had it polished).

..I just thought it was really, really weird. I felt like a three-year-old missing her favourite toy bunny. A spoilt three-year-old. 

I've been owing updates on this blog and, trust me, I've had most of the pictures ready but I'm almost never in the mood to sit my ass down and start acting like a teenager with a blog.

I'm sorry. The apology goes both ways. You should know what I mean.

An Off-work Kinda Day

It's been a fairly frustrated day, in both good and bad ways.

There isn't work for me today and I, together with a group of friends, planned a surprise, belated birthday celebration for a friend of mine--who's been it for more than four years now.
After a good few moments of stalling her on their part, I'm just glad that it wasn't a complete no-go. Although we reached the beach really late and it was drizzling elephants, the damp sand didn't feel as bad on my feet as how the rest of the company claimed it to be; I kinda like it. It's just the thrill and the idea of experiencing something otherworldly and peculiar through a situation as normal as spending yet another day with your high school friends.

Here, it's really dark where I took it from but I liked the clarity of the dented sand, the vast sea, the volleyball court, and the trees. We find light from the dark.










The bathroom was fairly eerie according to the bunch but I was just glad I could get the sand off my hair. Had our dinner at 10PM and left for home by 11. Great day, great company, great fun.

Can I do a little confession here? It's just you and me, my blog and I.
There's that one guy who I've known since three years ago. I never really liked him, he was (and is) an awesome, humorous guy to be with but I never find him any more than a friend. Lately, well, today, I felt different. It's just..odd. I don't know if I should elaborate but.. I won't, for now.

More pictures of today in my next post. Yeah buddy.