This way, to reality.

Up The Rabbit Hole

If you're reading this, there's a 50% chance that it is already 2013 where you are now so I wish you a very, very happy new year. If it's not, it still probably already is because I almost never get instant readers with every posts so, to you, happy 2013 and may you be closer to your dreams with every passing day.

I used to and still would always like to think that I'm special--which I (not so humbly going to say) am--and someone will notice it, eventually. Perhaps when I'm standing in the crowd, maybe when I'm in the bus, somewhere. But it never happens. I'm just always another faltering image in their lives and I can honestly say the exact same thing about them.  The strangers. I don't know if it's a good thing to feel so numb and indifferent about this feeling - the feeling of being in love. Sometimes I get so scared that I might never find another one like that.
I'm going to be honest and say that all I have ever longed for is someone who will be there; no words, no obligations, no pressure, and that someone will listen. Just, simply, listen. I promise to do the same and treat everyone around me, though with cynicism most of the time, I promise to not behave like an untamed pup. Growth and time is supposed to nurture you, not turn you into an insensitive idiot. I want my friends back. I don't want girls who party half their lives away, wear tank tops that could barely fit, and filled with hateful racism.

My friend. She was my first secondary school friend. She told me to kill myself (jokingly) today. It's not funny and will never be. I don't understand how everyone could laugh along and pretend it's no big deal when it had hit every nerve in me. Though, I wish I had the conciousness to not fake the laugh. I laughed. I hate the change I'm seeing in the friends I have made; I absolutely detest going out with them now and trying to convince myself that they will be different each time around. I want to go back when it wasn't about the clubs you go to, the alcohol you've consumed, the clothes you wear or the people you're dating.

I thought these things only happen in movies but it's now happened to me.

The uncertainty of the road ahead of me will always be consumed by the glittery mist but there's one thing I can be certain of: I will never change. I will continue to stand my ground and defend all of the everything  I believe in.

It's either you change or we call it quits. I deserve better company. But, according to the circumstances now, I'll probably never find any. I still have myself, though.

Have a happy new year everybody. And that's me, wishing you the best for the last time.
..because, well, I've done it thrice in a single text post already. I'm sure it's enough. Good night.

The Horror

It's absolutely terrifying how easily and quickly depression gets to you. Especially when it's no longer a stranger of you and to you. All it takes is a dark room at night. I really didn't think much because I thought I'm already out of this dump of mess I had fell into. It felt like hell because I had a reason to feel that way and I could. I just couldn't now because I'm not supposed to.

Help.

The Present

Dear World, Count Me In

I've got all my logical senses down in the dumps. You know you've reached your worst when it just escalated in the opposite. Work and fun. Fun would've been a good escape and an easy choice there wouldn't it? I mean, come on, 'work' would never stand a chance against those demeaning three-letter word. Friends, talk, food, conversations. That sounds like the kind of fun people, in general, would opt for. (The easiest kind of fun too)

In that sequence, today, it happened. Work and fun. It's my birthday in exactly 40 minutes and my mates decided it would be a great decision (small pause here: I'm on my brother's computer and his friends are trying to call him through skype right now and I dare not reject so it's getting on my horns, pretty much)... now, where were we... oh, they decided it would be an excellent idea to surprise me at work while I was looking like complete wreck. Literally, I looked like the kind of person you would just go 'no' to. 

It wouldn't have been so bad had it not been for my awkward self rejecting any approach then. I'm not used to being in the light, alone. I wish everyone could understand.. well not everyone if I'm taking this too far but they were my friends. 

I don't need to be the prom queen, that one girl who kicks asses at every party and can handle her drinks. I just hope my birthday wouldn't be the stain on your white blouse or the bread crumbs in your purse. I really didn't need your judgements and criticism, especially not today. You, all of you, are racists, judgemental little pricks. The waitresses were black, big fucking whoop. The plate the waitress (who, not-so-coincidentally had busted her ass working half the day off before you came) was holding had accidentally brushed through your powdered face shouldn't be enough to trigger the anger you claimed to had come from your supposedly 'pms'. A 'thank you' is not that hard. A smile is not that hard. And this is coming from one of the least friendly people you might ever know.  Working your mouths off later on about how filthy the place was, being filled with black people is not making things any better my sweet little barbie-faced shitheads.

Social Networking Websites and Applications:

They were created for our convenience. End of story. It might seem like the coolest thing to do right now - to stand with a group of more than five, fish out your smart phone and tap away, 'updating' your life about how it is so exciting and thrilling. See the irony? YOU were with your friends, YOU were supposed to be having fun (which is also why YOU were UPDATING about how fun it is), BUT while you were tapping away at that dead-ass screen, seconds were slipping by and it's not much of a 'having fun' when you were simply staring at a pixelated screen, was it? Society is dead, its products are dead. Everyone's just another carbon copy of the other. 

It, too, is my birthday. Do you have any idea how sad it is to stare at a crowd of blank, unamused faces? Do you know how painful it was to hear you complain about everything when we were supposed to just.. laugh, maybe? Do you know how demotivating it is to look at your grim looks, instagram-ing and tweeting everything and there would literally be a stop in the minutes we spend together to feed your ego? On my birthday? I want my friends back. I want the live ones. The friends I used to know. But we all know it's going to get worse and this isn't even the beginning, yet.

Like I said, they were all created for your convenience and entertainment; it is not your life. It is not cool. I don't mean it in the 'I dont have it so i'm going to whine about it and use the world 'uncool' because i'm just another kid' kind of way. I meant exactly what I said. It is not cool. 

I really need an escape, to a place where society hasn't tainted. It's spreading like wildfire and I have to act fast. 

So, dear world, count me in.

I apologize for the long, very long text. I had to get it out there. 

My birthday present was a bottle that says: 'My degree of sarcasm depends on your degree of stupidity'

Because I was always an arrogant, sarcastic prick. So the bottle was the best they could gift a useless little bitch. 

..And then I found out from one of them that they got me a bottle because my old one was ugly. It was then that I kicked myself out from the delusion and convinced myself that I need new friends..

I was choking up waterless lumps in my chests on the way home earlier. I thought it would be a much happier birthday celebration.

Right now, as I'm ending this post, my phone is starting to bop with messages because it's 12AM. 

Well at least I can count on myself to cheer myself up, can't I? (:

*picture not mine*

Indecent Wretch

I don't even know what's wrong with me now, one second I'm fine and the next, right after a single momentarily short passing of minute and matters, everything goes up in flames as if I was never worth any of it.

It just happened. Literally eight minutes ago, I was sitting with my parents, having dinner, having mindless little discussions, petting my dog, and then my cup of hot chocolate just went flam and hit the ground before I could react. There it was, the drink all over me, sticky and moist and all the unpleasant sensation had hit me.
The solution was simple, right? You clean that shit up. NO, I chose to kick up a fuss. I knew what to do, I knew to clean it up, I knew to clean up my act but there was just something in me that had strike me harder than lightning on a rainy day - I felt as if it shouldn't have happened, the drink, it shouldn't have went tumbling onto the ground. I felt like I didn't deserve it. I refused to clean it up and had a minor squabble with my mother and she just went to bed with nothing but a gesture suggesting that it wasn't hers to give a second look on.

So I just came online. That puddle of mess is still outside (though I'm sure that little crap of a dog had already  had it polished).

..I just thought it was really, really weird. I felt like a three-year-old missing her favourite toy bunny. A spoilt three-year-old. 

I've been owing updates on this blog and, trust me, I've had most of the pictures ready but I'm almost never in the mood to sit my ass down and start acting like a teenager with a blog.

I'm sorry. The apology goes both ways. You should know what I mean.

An Off-work Kinda Day

It's been a fairly frustrated day, in both good and bad ways.

There isn't work for me today and I, together with a group of friends, planned a surprise, belated birthday celebration for a friend of mine--who's been it for more than four years now.
After a good few moments of stalling her on their part, I'm just glad that it wasn't a complete no-go. Although we reached the beach really late and it was drizzling elephants, the damp sand didn't feel as bad on my feet as how the rest of the company claimed it to be; I kinda like it. It's just the thrill and the idea of experiencing something otherworldly and peculiar through a situation as normal as spending yet another day with your high school friends.

Here, it's really dark where I took it from but I liked the clarity of the dented sand, the vast sea, the volleyball court, and the trees. We find light from the dark.










The bathroom was fairly eerie according to the bunch but I was just glad I could get the sand off my hair. Had our dinner at 10PM and left for home by 11. Great day, great company, great fun.

Can I do a little confession here? It's just you and me, my blog and I.
There's that one guy who I've known since three years ago. I never really liked him, he was (and is) an awesome, humorous guy to be with but I never find him any more than a friend. Lately, well, today, I felt different. It's just..odd. I don't know if I should elaborate but.. I won't, for now.

More pictures of today in my next post. Yeah buddy.

Are you magical?

I'm a proud Slytherin.
Snape didn't die a Gryffindor, he died a Slytherin.

Yeah that's right, the next house cup, which will be awarded on the 21st, will be ours too. You won't have to 'wait and see' because I know, for sure.

I was so upset when I found out the points will be swiped clean and we'll have to restart after each term (it's over 5,000 points we're talking about here) but they configured it and we can see our 'total' (as seen above) so..pretty cool. 

5000 isn't the best I could've done but hey I tried so darn hard. Girl deserves her cookie, right? ..Let's just forgo the fact that I started in August, 2011, while there are other people on Pottermore who started in April, 2012, and have over 300,000 points. 

Tut, tut, tut...

There's barely any goings-on this couple of days - unless you find dogs humping each other entertaining then, yes, it's been a joyful, exhilarating two days at work. It wouldn't make sense for me to rant about meaningless things so... I think we all know what's worth a million words - pictures. Here ye go numpteys.

"Your feet belong to me, human. You're bound to me." he muttered.

"nope, can't hear you. I have my ears up the wrong way but that doesn't mean I can hear you, too."



Puddies. Pup buddies.



And then we have this little shit who takes joy in gnawing on that damn mint bone, on my foot. Sometimes I even feel sorry if my foot is, in any way, deserving of that green, saliva-filled thing.





"do you like me eyes"





This is the company I keep, wbu?

Now, now, I won't be a wretch so here's a picture of Lady Gaga completely rocking the hair

Take Me Back To When All Was Well

..and if that time even existed, I would like to see it..and watch it happen all over again, again, again and again and again and again until I can finally convince myself that I was too once a contented child.

Work today was fine - you know, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. Unpleasant shit happens all the time and I guess it just might be easier to deal with when I know I started it. Let's just say I'm a bad person. I don't deserve sympathy and trust because I'll use it to my advantage and suck you dry until you have nothing else left to offer. I do try, you know, I tried but the opportunist in me could never let it slip. I would know because I have seen it happen so many times; it's always as if I could never win a battle when it was only me against myself.

Resentment is it when moments are just too perfect to bear.

Watched Pitch Perfect, that movie was ace. Sure, plot's predictable but the mini plots and witty dialogues are what had set the speed and excitement--I swear I could have almost brought my ass up back in the theater and I would rock those dance moves until we burn the velvet seats to ashes.
Also, one more thing ...dare I say it..? It's just might be my favourite movie out of those I've watched in 2012.
Movies I have watched in the year of 2012 (not in any order whatsoever):
- Posession
- Taken 2
- Perks Of Being A Wallflower
- The Hunger Games
- Diary Of A Wimpy Kid 3: Dog days
- Pitch Perfect
- The Thieves (korean, another one of the best)

Yeah.. and then I realised it's really not much.

Movies (2012) I have yet to watch  but am really keen on watching:
- Words
- Premium Rush

Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh

I've always wanted a bad break.
Suicidal thoughts are just not the same anymore..you know.  I just don't feel the kind of impulse lately, it might sound good to most but it's painful, honestly. It's not that I don't want to die, it's just I've stopped believing I could and that's sad.

And on the tenth of November, 2012, after intense research and based on fact.org, Elodie has been proven to be a bipolar little shit.

For a little side note before I end this boring  text post, you should know that I work in a pet shop. "Awe how cute!" hahahhahha no, fuck you.

The Night

It's three in the morning where I am now and you have no idea how much I miss this. I miss the nightly breeze, the silence in the dead of the night, the feeling of isolation; when you feel in power and control of absolutely anything but, then again, you really don't because you can't free yourself from the feeling of impulse and yearning to escape. That's because you can't--escape, you know, you just..can't.

I've been having these tingly throbs of thoughts at the back of my mind more frequent than what I would've liked. I just want an empty room with wooden shelves, parchments and books, a laptop, a wooden worktable, a Sheltie, a job that would grant me both freedom and the sense accomplishment but yet doesn't bind me to a single shelter all together. That would be nice.
It would make a nice escape but it just seems like a dream dreamt too far. 

I have a feeling that I might post on here more than I'm supposed to. 

So I Had My Phone Connected To The PC And..

I realised I could access the photos I trashed on my phone. I mean, literally, there's an entire folder dedicated to the photos I meant to discard. But wait.. it's not exactly 'trashed' if I can still find it, yeah? But maybe it's like a cemetery for the forgotten pixels, maybe they're in mourning for each other and I'm the murderer. 

Most of them are just random pictures (which should explain why I deleted it). 

Notice the pattern? THEY ARE ALL FROM MOVIES. Then I realise it's from a torrent app I installed and it would often auto-download these images into my phone (which cracks me up most of the time because I never know what to expect). 

Picture 1: Random shark. Sexy fins aye. I mean, look at dem fins. 

Picture 2: If you have no idea where this is from then you may now exit this page ....or, open a new tab, go to google, and type in 'lion zebra hippo giraffe' and you tell me. 

Picture 3: HUNGER GAMES HOLLA. How'd you find the movie? It was a tad bit disappointing for me and, honestly, I don't think it deserved the hype. It's not enough to turn me away from the following installments, though. There will be two parts for Mockingjay, yay or nay?

Picture 4: Great movie. If you haven't watched it, let me give you a couple of hints as to what the title is - it has one word and rhymes with 'dick'. No seriously, this one's awesome. 

Picture 5: Again, who could miss this one? 

Picture 6: -sputter- -cough- I, uh, I.. have no idea how that got there.. I mean it's not like I still watch Barbie or anything pfft. 

****Pictures used are not mine unless otherwise stated*****

"Get outta my face!" he says.

Meet Beau. He's a smug little bastard.

Stop And Erase (#1)

STOP AND ERASE, 'CUS I'M GONNA WIPE THAT SMILE OFF YOUR KNOW-IT-ALL FACE.

Oh, sorry for the hormones, and, no, the Selena song was not what the title's meant to convey.

The funny thing about change is that it comes a day at a time through dribbles of seconds which will turn into minutes and it can literally sweep you off your feet because, before you know it, your time is here. Change is a verb but it, too, is a noun. Four months ago if you had asked me if it does 'get better', I would've told you it doesn't and then throw another smack of remarks in your face condescendingly before retreating into darkness with my wet blanket. 

But now, as an almost new person--will someone ready the confetti and glitter please--I can tell you for sure that it does get better. You know why? Because I have never been so sure about something in the entirety of my existence. Hey, hey gettin' a bit ahead of my own arse now aren't I? 

What's the fun in dropping instances of my life altogether in a single post? It's an online diary, is it not?

I will, most definitely, reveal these bits and tip-toe through memory lane one day and I will need someone to be there for me when I do. Words will always be my favourite companion.

Positive that nobody's going to stumble on here but if you're reading this then you must have. 

Welcome, welcome, to the masquerade ball. Bitch with alter-egoes, bitch I will eat you whole with my masks on. 

I hope you won't mind me contradicting myself too much. Here, have a couple of bites out of these delicious pieces of news and pictures. 

(23/10/2012) in Marseille, France: Two young women kissed in front of anti same sex marriage/adoption 

Changing the world with one sequin at a time. (It gets funnier when you study each of the ladies' faces in the background)

The perfect sanctuary. 

 "Yesterday was the anniversary of my Mom’s death - to the day. I was getting ready to go out and let go of this necklace - which was hers - to answer the phone. When I looked back, I noticed it had fallen into a heart. I love you too, Mom."-by Fairchildwrites

Now, this picture is a story by itself. I do a lot of browsing on my phone so, naturally, it's full of bookmarked webpages and it will be no surprise that it consists mostly of tumblr tags (an addict, I daresay). One of my few bookmarked tags are 'death' and 'sad' - which are both for those times when I just can't pick myself up after a bad fall (it happens). What made me look to the 'death' tag, you don't have to know, but there I was, on my bed, thumbing through the tag (corpses and blood, eugh) and then I saw this post. I don't think I have to explain why it touched me greatly. The loss of someone of importance; I would never want to imagine myself as the victim of death. There was a few others who mentioned the death of those they loved dearly and that it still pains them after all these years too and it made me think.

  

                                             And 'LOSER' in bold on my forehead. 

*****Pictures used are not mine unless otherwise stated.*****